Before I Die
by Nessa.Baby.Doll
Summary: Hell is not a place. But a state of mind, a state that I am in from seeing Joe and Stella always together. I hope you don't forget me. I love you Joe. xoxoxoxo JONAS JONAS xoxoxoxoxo JoeStella MacyJoe xoxoxoxo WARNING SUICED NOTE AND TALK INSIDE.
1. Macy Marilyn Misa

Dear Diary,

Joe. Joe. Joe. His name still echo's in my head. He's nothing short of my everything. And I am nothing to him. I am a friend, the girl he goes to for advice about Stella. Stella Alyssa Malone. The Blonde beautiful girl who had Joe's heart. The girl who was not me. I knew better than to love Joe Lucas , he was Stella's.

Stella is my best friend. I had always secretly desired for her pretty blonde hair or her popularity. But never had I hated her because of what she had. Or who she had for that matter.

Joe, the moment I realized I loved him was the day I saw him and Stella share a passionate kiss in the atrium. Have you ever felt the feeling where your stomach drop, and you swear that your heart stops beating. It feels like someone is blowing up your lungs like a balloon.

Everyone thinks I am fine. I'm just acting. I don't play sports anymore but they don't know that. I tell them I have practice, but I go home and do IT.

After 4 months of the pain I decided that I had to something to take the pain away. I started cutting myself. You know people always make fun of emo's, but they just don't understand the amount of pain you have to be in to go through that. I had cut up my arms so badly that I had to move onto my legs. I had angry red scars along my limbs. Nobody noticed because I changed my wardrobe.

Just then my cell phone started to blare.

" Hello?" I asked once I had flipped it open.

" Hey Mace, Its Stella!" She squealed into the phone.

Oh man. Just another reminder of my pain. " Listen Stel I'm really tired I'm just gonna go take a nap" And make a few more cuts, I added silently to myself.

" Wait Mace the news is that we're getting married!" He screamed into my ear. I threw my phone across the room, breaking into pieces. Just like my heart. Married. The most permanent bond two people can have.

All of a sudden I imagined Stella walking down the aisle. With me in front of her, as a brides maid. I felt the burning pain even from the vision. I made a life changing decision. Or rather a life ending decision. Grabbing a piece of paper I wrought out a note for all my friends and family.

Then I grabbed a medium sized blade form the kitchen, I felt the cool metal glide on my skin. As it cut me tears came to my eyes. Bloody tears dripped form my arm and onto my lap.

You know how in movies before you die you see a flashback of your life? Thankfully that didn't happen to me. Who wanted a rerun anyways? All the pain and suffering?

Well I saw the people I loved. I saw Kevin, Stella, Mum, Dad, Nick and Joe. Joe's name and face still burned my heart. The pictures started to dim and my last thought was

I'm Sorry

No one's POV

Macy Marilyn Misa was dead. When she didn't show up for school her parents sent the boys and Stella to see if she was ok. Kevin was the first to see her. Then Stella, Then Nick, then Joe.

THE NEXT DAY

Stella, The Lucas family and the Misa' were sitting at the police station.

" Everyone she wrote a suicide letter, the outside was addressed to all or you.

He took a deep breath and started to read it.

" Dear everyone.

I'm sorry. I know you will all wonder why I did it. I have been doing it for a while. Just remember that all scars don't heal, and that all wounds don't show. I'm sure the scars on my arms and legs are frightening enough. What about the scars on my heart? And the wounds to my soul? Those hurt more than real scars could ever. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there. Cutting only really helps for a minute. The pain helps you focus on something else. But as the blood drips from your cut the pain returns. This way the pain will end.

I wrote this letter so you can finally understand. Joe and Stella. That is the reason for this, Joe I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I thought I could hold on but I was wrong.

Mom. I love you and I'm sorry. Your baby girl just couldn't do it anymore. But you have to understand. The more you love something the more it will hurt. I loved Joe more than the world. I needed guidance to get through the day, and a blade to get through the night. You didn't give me that guidance.

Dad. I love you and I'm sorry. Your little princess needed you and you turned your back. Dad's are supposed to be there to pick you up when you fall but you left me on the floor. You know that old poem? Sticks and Stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me? Well love hurt me. It hurt me more than material things ever could.

Nick. You were my best guy friend. I'm sorry. But the pain I had dug a hole in my heart, my heart will never be the same. Mean words will make you cry, but silence will break your heart. I thought you would notice. I guess you were too busy to notice. I felt as If the whole world turned its back on me. My heart no longer bleeds because it has turned to stone. As my legs started to shake, the time I needed you more than air, you didn't come. I know you will blame yourself if you have to blame someone blame me. I found a poem I wrote the other day,

I'm gonna draw

a picture

with a twist

I'll draw it on my wrist

Kevin. You were like my brother. You had one flaw, you didn't protect me when I needed you the most. When I had to have it or I would break. Sometimes fate has a cruel way of putting things together. You can't die of a broken heart but most of the time I wished I could. You know the feeling when your heart explodes and your world collapses. That's the feeling that overwhelmed me no matter how much I tried to break free. I find it ironic that the only person that broke you can fix you again. The problem was that nobody was trying to fix me.

Stella. I'm going to miss you, you must feel bad because you were part of my pain. I know you didn't mean too. The last phone call you made to me was what made up my mind. I couldn't bear the pain of knowing how happy everyone is, while my heart is shattered. Believe me, I am crying for the memories that I will leave. But when something's broken it can never be whole again. Sure it might be reconnected but there will always be cracks and pieces missing. It's like my heart. I do to my body what has been done to my soul.

Joe. I can only imagine your pain. But you will never hurt as much as I did in one day. I wanna die. I wanna bleed. All I can do is keep walking and pretend that the scars aren't really there. The weirdest thing happened. I woke up to teary eyes, with one rolling down my cheek. I knew I must have been dreaming of you and Stella again. I know one day you are going to look back and think Damn that girl really did love me. I don't want you to forget. You can't really see the beauty of something until it's not there. I hope that make you think of me.

So now you all know what my life has been like for the past 2 years. I hope you all love and remember me. Just know that I'm in a better place. In a place where there is no pain.

Love you all,

Macy Marilyn Misa

Born October 12 1992

Died May 28 2009


	2. Kevin Ryley Lucas

Alright so a couple people messaged me asking for a second chapter. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a chapter from each person's point of view. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read it!

* * *

Macy was dead. She was gone.

Now everyone thinks I'm the clueless one. I'm not. I just don't get things sometimes. Joe loved Macy. Macy loved Joe. Stella is way to competitive. Nick loved Macy. Macy was my best friend.

It was a Thursday afternoon. Stella and I had just had science, we were waiting for Joe and Nick by their lockers. It always takes them FOREVER to change after gym. Stella's cell phone started blasting 'One Time' By Justin Bieber. She smiled when she read it. I'm guessing it was Macy.

Macy once told me that her and Stella would compete for guys. If they liked the same boy they would have an almost epic battle for the guy. Stella usually won because she played dirty. This time the prize was Joe. Joe Lucas, my weird egotistical brother who did not disserve Macy. Nick did though. Nick Lucas. My awesome supportive brother who was made for Macy.

When Stella heard the person on the phone her smile dropped. Macy wasn't sick and she wasn't at school. I hope she didn't run away. That would kill Nick.

When we got to her house we all started searching. Stella and I checked upstairs while Joe and Nick checked the main floor.

Me and Stella split up and that's when I saw it. Macy's body sprawled across her bed. At first I thought she was alive. Until I touched her and she rolled over revealing a long cut all the way up her arm. She was a dead look in her eye. I screamed and behind me I heard two thuds. I looked back and there was Stella out cold on the floor. Beside her was Nick sobbing quietly. Then I saw Joe. Stupid Joe. I knew marrying Stella would push Macy off the edge.

* * *

The next day we were sitting there listening to the letter Macy wrote before she died. I droned much of it out. Macy Marilyn Misa was the best friend I ever had in my life. She listened to everything I said. She was the only girl I had ever met that understood my train of though. Heck she was the only person.

I only listened up when my name was read.

Kevin. You were like my brother. You had one flaw, you didn't protect me when I needed you the most. When I had to have it or I would break. Sometimes fate has a cruel way of putting things together. You can't die of a broken heart but most of the time I wished I could. You know the feeling when your heart explodes and your world collapses. That's the feeling that overwhelmed me no matter how much I tried to break free. I find it ironic that the only person that broke you can fix you again. The problem was that nobody was trying to fix me.

It was like I could hear Macy 's voice coming out of the policemen's mouth.

Tears were running down my cheeks. I tried to protect you Macy. I just didn't know how to. I knew how much she needed it, I knew how fragile she was and I took her strength for granted. I took her fro granted. I'm sorry Macy I'm Sorry.

I wish you didn't die. I know how much a broken heart hurts. I know how the pain in your chest swells up. You shouldn't wish for death.

Macy I know how you felt when your heart explodes and your world collapses. I do now. It's now the feeling that rules my body. I wish Joe hadn't broken you. I wish you had loved Nick instead. I wish he had fixed you too.

I wish my best friend was still here.


	3. Stella Lindsay Malone

I know it's stupid to compete over guys but Macy and I did anyway, though I always won. Everyone thought I won because I'm prettier, but really it's because I stole them from her. Those guys would have chosen Macy over me, sweet innocent Macy over an attention whore like me. I know it was stupid, and I shouldn't have stolen the one guy I knew meant the most to Macy. But I did anyways, at first I thought It was a mistake then I fell in love with him. I knew it was killing Macy but she was strong. Turns out I was a mistake, the biggest mistake I will ever make in my lifetime.

When I heard Macy was missing I assumed that she was sick, because she's my best friend. I went over with the guys to check on her and flaunt my engagement, I know its rude but I have won it all know, its time to celebrate.

When we checked upstairs it was eerily quiet. Like no-one was here. When I heard Kevin gasp I took off down the hallway to him, then I saw her. My poor innocent sweet pretty Macy. My poor innocent sweet Macy had a long slit up her left arm, blood was pooling out of her onto her purple quilt. My stomach dropped and the spark inside me died. My world was spinning and the last thing I saw was Nate quietly sobbing.

NEXT DAY

I watched Macys mom Tabitha stare at the table with no life in her. Why would she. You see Macy's sisters Keely and Selena died in a car crash a couple years ago. Nobody knows where her dad is and Macy was the only thing she had left. And I took it from her. I couldn't believe that a silly game could end a life. When I heard my name I looked up.

**Stella. I'm going to miss you, you must feel bad because you were part of my pain. I know you didn't mean too. The last phone call you made to me was what made up my mind. I couldn't bear the pain of knowing how happy everyone is, while my heart is shattered. Believe me, I am crying for the memories that I will leave. But when something's broken it can never be whole again. Sure it might be reconnected but there will always be cracks and pieces missing. It's like my heart. I do to my body what has been done to my soul**

She will miss me. Miss me. After all I have done to her, she forgives me. I'm glad she does, because I never will. I wasn't just a part of her pain. I caused her pain.

The thing that kills me is that I did mean too. I knew that phone call would kill her. Its just I couldn't help bragging that I got the prize. I knew her heart hurt. I could hear it in her voice. I thought she could deal, hold on a little tighter and be alive. I was wrong though.

Crying for the memories that I will leave. Like what. Like me stealing your first boyfriend Luke. Like me stealing your last crush Tommy. Like me always giving you makeovers against you will. Like me kissing your crush Adam. Then lying to you about why.

There has always been spaces in your heart. Places where a boys love should have been. The biggest was where my love should have been.

I do to my body what has been done to my soul. I do my body. The cuts. The searing pain. The weakness of your limbs. The light fading. Hope gone. Everything she went through was now out in the open.

Everything that was my fault.


	4. Nicholas Eric Lucas

Macy Misa. The name sent butterflies down in my stomach. Joe Lucas. That name sent a wave of anger, sadness and jealousy through me.

The first time I saw Macy I loved her. Despite her crazy fan girl ways, despite the bruises she caused me, despite everything, against all odds, I love her. But Joe, Joe is the one person who stands in my way. I am a rock star and though I don't like to talk about it, I get everything I want just by saying so. But her, Macy she challenged me. It was amazing the way her touch sunk into my bones, made them feel like foam.

Macy's love for Joe was the greatest pain I ever felt. But my poor sweet Macy was in more pain watching Joe and Stella. When Joe told Kevin and I that he's going to marry Stella I knew it would kill her. I just didn't think that she would kill herself.

When Macy's mom called and asked us to go look for her I got a nervous twitch deep inside. Like I knew something happened, I just didn't know what.

When we got to Macy's house I had hope there was TV on and there was lights on. I took a deep breath and we started searching thinking she had fell asleep somewhere.

When I heard a blood curdling scream I almost had a heart failure. I ran to the sound and saw Kevin looking pale as bone. Stella was frozen, almost as if she was a statue.

That's when I noticed her. She was laying there, hair messy , makeup smeared from tears. And blood soaking her bed. I heard a thump as Stella hit the ground and the sound of Joes gasp. But all of that blurred. I sank to the floor my heart burning and tears flowing and gave in. I lay on the floor and sobbed.

NEXT DAY

You would think that with someone dead nobody would notice someone else`s pain. Well I was changed enough, in enough pain that everyone noticed. They tried helping, trying to make me talk about Macy but that only made it worse. Nobody but Kevin knows that I loved her.

Stella and Joe have stopped planning the wedding and have been fighting. Good. Let them suffer. They caused this. If it weren`t for them Macy would still be alive.

I heard my name and I imagined Macy telling me this herself. Her soft refreshing voice talking to me.

Nick. You were my best guy friend. I'm sorry. But the pain I had dug a hole in my heart, my heart will never be the same. Mean words will make you cry, but silence will break your heart. I thought you would notice. I guess you were too busy to notice. I felt as If the whole world turned its back on me. My heart no longer bleeds because it has turned to stone. As my legs started to shake, the time I needed you more than air, you didn't come. I know you will blame yourself if you have to blame someone blame me. I found a poem I wrote the other day,

I'm gonna draw

a picture

with a twist

I'll draw it on my wrist

I was her best friend. I knew everything about her. While her knew nothing. There was a hole in my heart also Mace, but it was filled with love. Love that I never expressed, or told you about.

I know what you mean by silence breaking your heart. I was afraid Mace, afraid you would ignore me once I told you of my love. Scarred things wouldn't be the same. I wasn't too busy to notice Mace. I knew you, everything you felt I felt too. I didn't know how to help. I had t deal with my own pain as well as yours.

The whole world didn't turn their back on you, just Joe. My moronic brother who held your heart.

Pain weld up in my chest like a balloon when she said that when she needed me the most I didn't come. I didn't know how bad it was Macy. I couldn't help you through it. I tried but you pushed me away.

Macy Misa what you drew on your wrist, you drew on my heart, my life, my soul. You drew it on me. Like a tattoo your love and pain is always with me.

One quote came to mind. Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

I think it means that Love at first sight makes sense, it's when these two people have been around together for a while that it's a miracle.

I love you Macy.


	5. Joseph Tyler Lucas

Stella, her warm hand in mine, her brown eyes that twinkled when they met mine. She meant everything to me. Allot of people told me that Macy loved me, I didn't think so, we made it clear we were just friends. Although Macy was selfless, but I had pushed that thought out of my head many times.

When I proposed to Stella I couldn't wait to tell the guys and Macy. Although Macy and I weren't particularly close we were still good friends.

When Macys mom asked us to check out the house I followed along. It was odd Macy missing school, she played so many sports that If her grades slipped she would get kicked off. She always went to school. She had a perfect attendance record. Until today.

I thought perhaps she was hurt, of not feeling well because her house looked normal, there was food out and the TV was on. We started looking and that's when a scream pierced the eerily silent house.

When I got there I saw Nick sobbing on the ground in a heap which made my throat tighten with fear, Nick never cries. Then I saw Stella passed out, I was about to rush to her when I saw Macy. Sweet Macy sprawled out on her bed, Knife in hand, blood running down her arms like tears.

I just stood there stunned, it was like my body shut down in order to protect itself from harm and hurt.

THE NEXT DAY

When I looked around the room inches of pain surged through me. Nick looked lifeless and thin. He wouldn't eat. Kevin hadn't slept in days as you could see on his face, the purple rings under his eyes indicated it. Stella and me have been fighting allot. I don't want to get married anymore because of all the grief but she does. I guess we unofficially broke up.

When I heard my name in her suicide letter I almost fainted from the amount of pain I was in.

**Joe. I can only imagine your pain. But you will never hurt as much as I did in one day. I wanna die. I wanna bleed. All I can do is keep walking and pretend that the scars aren't really there. The weirdest thing happened. I woke up to teary eyes, with one rolling down my cheek. I knew I must have been dreaming of you and Stella again. I know one day you are going to look back and think Damn that girl really did love me. I don't want you to forget. You can't really see the beauty of something until it's not there. I hope that make you think of me.**

Of course I will never hurt as much as you. I always get what I want. Whenever, whatever. No one should want to die, want to bleed.

The last few nights I have dreamt about you I have woken up screaming and sobbing. I know now you really loved me. If you would have told me. If only I would have listened to those people. Then I would have know how much you loved me.

I will never forget Macy, never. It haunts me even when I close my eyes. I hope that makes you think of me. Everything makes me think of you. Chocolate. The color of Macys eyes. Soccer ball. Macys favourite sport. Pop sickle. Macys favourite cold treat.

Sometimes things have a different beauty. One you always appreciate. That was you Macy. Now you scar me. Like someone has burned your image behind me eyes.

But at least this way I will always see you.


	6. Ending AN

Hey everyone it's me again! I hope you like this story, sorry didn't mean to make you cry. I get allot of reviews saying that. Please head over and look at my new story Wolf girl, theres allot of chapters so you won't have to wait, I update almost every day. Plus review and drop me your name and I will use your name in my story.


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